LEAVE POLAR TO THE BEARS
Are you finding politics ‘polar’-izing in your relationships?
A recent client, Rose, wanted to discuss an impasse with a very good friend. “We just don’t agree so I said, ‘Let’s just not talk about this.’ But this has happened before.” Rose was clearly concerned it would continue to happen again and again and it made her very uncomfortable.
Digging deeper I wanted to understand the pattern and if her friend was disrespecting her boundaries, forgetting or wanting to convince my client. Each would call for a variation in response.
We uncovered Rose wasn’t clear what she had previously said and that she was nervous about asking for what she wanted. Not a good combination and important to rectify if she was to keep this cherished friendship.
Two things appeared as options:
- Rose needed to align with her own needs (aka back herself up) and ask clearly & confidently for her boundaries to be honored. This would require clarity, openness and the undivided attention of her friend so she is heard and understood. To achieve this, I suggested the next time they were together she ask they stop everything, connect eye-to-eye and after discussing the topic Rose could finish by asking, “Can we agree not to discuss this topic (for the foreseeable future)?” This would allow both people to get very present and attentive to this single subject. If her friend agrees, then Rose can redirect her to this agreement in the future if her friend brings the subject up again. If her friend does not agree, Rose has a different decision to make.
- This option requires a bit more mastery. And that is to get curious. In order to be curious, your defenses have to be lowered. However, if you fear being over-powered, this is not the option to take at this time. But if you feel you can explore this, then open your heart to hearing the reason the other is bringing the subject up repeatedly and what their point-of-view actually is. (If not, the first option is better).
THE POWER OF CURIOSITY
Think of innocent children exploring the world. Their essential nature is one of curiosity. Everything around them holds deeper meaning, even secrets that are valuable, informative and worth the time and energy to discover. They use the data to help shape their relationship with themselves and the outside world. Their heart is wide open, unassuming, unafraid and truly inquisitive of what will be revealed.
Unfortunately, we as adults tend to lose this quality of character. We instead get bogged down in the idea we have to be authorities on subjects causing us to close our minds and pigeonhole ourselves into making assumptions for fear we don’t have all the answers, yet should. Or we become opinionated and attached to those opinions for fear someone may want to change us against our will. We are afraid of what we do not like and the changes that may be asked of our unwilling nature.
As you saw, Rose was in a pickle over politics with her friend and the curiosity cure was one perfect antidote to her dilemma. Exploring when and how to act from curiosity helped her dissolve the pent-up anxiety that could have become an impasse in her relationship.
5 WAYS TO USE “THE CURIOSITY CURE”
- When you disagree with someone. In today’s political climate especially, disagreements are running rampant. But disagreements have been around since the dawn of time. And if you’re like me, arguments are not a favorite pastime and therefore a new path forward is helpful. So, if the person you are in disagreement with is important to you and you want to keep them around, shift into curiosity. With a genuinely curious nature, you can learn about another (for we are each a universe unto ourselves) and keep those doors open. By being curious, you allow for wiggle room and stop the pressure-cooker of agreement and conformity.
Curiosity creates space for differences & reduces anxiety.
- When you trigger someone. Trying to control people, places and situations is not only impossible, it’s exhausting. You will never win at that game. It’s futile. But you can be prepared for when a situation turns an unexpected corner and you find yourself at odds with another because of something you said or did. Instead of taking it personally and being triggered yourself (sounds easier than it is, I know), shift into curiosity mode and inquire (this is masterful). Ask them what happened inside of them. Genuinely ask about their experience. Posture yourself internally so that you can see things “through their eyes”. This helps build trust, connection and care.
Curiosity shows you care.
- When you get triggered. It’s so easy for us to shut down when we get triggered. Our inner child is attempting to protect us from what appears to be “outside” harm. While this can be the case, most of the times it is not. Usually, there is an “inside” culprit that’s creating the disruption. Like a volcano…the explosion comes from the inside and spills out. When this happens, consider first self-curiosity. GET CURIOUS. Ask yourself questions, “What just happened?” “What really caused me to react that way?” “What am I afraid of?” “What am I deflecting?” “Who are they reminding me of?” “What am I trying to protect myself from?” There are many questions you can use to pop the lid on the buried treasures within you that are just dying to be discovered and loved.
Curiosity looks without judgment.
- Confused about where you stand with someone. Like my client, relating within relationships can be nebulous, undefined, leaving us feeling uncertain what to expect or how to move forward. For Rose, she was grappling with the reason her friend was bringing up politics again. What was the nature of their friendship? Genuine curiosity is an invitation to co-create resolution to problems. You invite the other into the otherwise internal conversation you’re having in order to gain their input about the best way forward.
Curiosity reveals and clarifies.
- Discover what motivates you. You want to know yourself. When you do, your world takes shape in a way that supports and nurtures you. When you identify your values and priorities you can clearly structure your life in meaningful and fulfilling ways. You can also create clear boundaries in your relationships, making known to others who you are and what feels loving to you. Being curious about what makes you feel loved, supported and nurtured is first an inside job, then it can be shared with others helping you recognize who is a good match and who isn’t.
Curiosity connects you with You.
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Could you use support unraveling a sticky situation? Are you looking for the right words to convey your truth without throwing yourself under the bus? Do you know you need to make changes but are struggling with the “how”? Does being curious scare you into hiding?
Let’s talk. I’d love to help.
(Actual client names are changed for the purpose of sharing stories.)
