IMPORTANT. This article is chewy. It requires presence and focus. The first part is conceptual and the second part shares my real-life story!
Thanks for being here and being willing to awaken with me.
WHAT A FEELING
An incredible realization is pouring over me and I wanted to share it with you as soon as I could. It is my hope to provide you a new way of working with your emotions and feeling nature, especially when you need it!
Know…
CHILDREN WILL MAKE YOU FEEL
WHAT THEY ARE FEELING
This is true whether they feel good or bad but for our purposes we’re going to focus on the latter.
For example, if a child throws a temper-tantrum, they want you to feel frustrated and angry, like they do.
They are looking for a sign that tells them…“you feel me.” The way they know, often, is you get frustrated and angry. But there is another way.
I liken this to the game “hot potato”. The potato is too hot to hold so it is off-loaded onto another whether they want it or not.
When emotions are too hot for one to carry or handle, we want someone else to carry them. We project our uncomfortable emotions onto them.
CAN YOU FEEL THE CHILD
WITHOUT TAKING ON THE EMOTION(S) YOURSELF?
That depends.
If you believe how they feel is your fault, then no.
If you believe you’re the cause, then you also have a belief others are responsible or the cause of your feelings. (Here the child becomes your mirror.)
Being triggered, you will become defensive and/or want to fix things for them.
If you accept how your child feels as valid for them, then you will not take it on. You will have empathy and even compassion. You will have an understanding without a need to fix or change it for them.
You are able to hold space for their emotional experience. And in this, allow them to take responsibility for their own feelings.
You do not judge yourself as good or bad, right or wrong because of their reaction.
Taking this one step further…
At times, the thing you do that triggers the child may need reflection on your part. Your actions may not be as clear as you thought and the child’s response asks you to look within for your real motive. Were you being dishonest, manipulative, unavailable or something else?
When you accept the child’s emotions, you are clearer to self-reflect.
When you don’t accept the child’s feelings, you will be defensive and reactive and miss the opportunity of self-inquiry.
Imagine now, this child is your inner child. This child is the one you are learning to feel and be present for.
YOU FEEL ME/I FEEL YOU
When you are present enough to “feel” your own inner child, it will then feel seen and heard.
Think about it.
You feel seen and heard when someone listens and accepts how you feel without trying to fix you or be defensive with you.
You feel genuine care, acceptance, love, empathy and compassion. Not necessarily agreement.
As a result, your nervous system calms and you self-regulate much faster and easier. This opens the pathway for self-inquiry about your reaction.
The same is true for your inner child. When you see and hear the feelings going on inside you, your inner child feels seen and heard. It knows, “you feel me”. And the cage stops rattling.
MY PERSONAL LIFE IN ACTION
I was a young mother. I have often felt, “too young”. I wasn’t a “good enough” mother because I was so young. A flavor of regret, I know.
Fast forward…
I’ve been telling my daughters for years, “I’m not ready to be a grandmother.” I have resistance to even the name, which of course points to something deeper within me.
I hear in response, “It’s not your decision mom”. To which we laugh and I say “You’re right.” But deep down inside I don’t want them to “make the same mistake” I did. (I know…breathe with me here. I am human too.)
In conversation with my eldest the other day, I felt blame oozing from her. She told me how my request has influenced her and how she didn’t want to disappoint me. (Boy, that didn’t feel good.)
It felt so-not-good that I started going down the road of defensiveness. At first, I was defending my position and then realized I wasn’t being present for her feelings. And I stopped. And I listened. And I said, “I can see how that doesn’t feel good to you.”
Once I stopped invalidating how she felt, we both relaxed.
While I did not accept responsibility for her feelings, I did accept how she was feeling!
It was a great first step! But I needed to reflect on it more before I said any more, and ended the conversation.
Upon Further Reflection
Once I stepped back, it dawned on me…
If I continued, she could blame me if she had children OR if she didn’t have children. No matter what her choice, I was setting myself to for potential blame.
Yikes!
This is not what my heart wants. So, I sat and reflected even more.
Self-Realization Hit
Clarity came.
I was making my daughters responsible for how I felt about being a young mother.
My emotions were the “hot potato” and I expected my girls to carry them for me. My inner child was not getting my attention, so it was creating a scenario that would reflect back to me how it (my inner child) felt. (If I wasn’t going to see it for myself, my children would mirror it back for me…the dance of mirrors.)
This was an unhealed place in my heart. I projected not feeling not good enough onto them. Unconsciously, I was making my daughters responsible for how I felt!
Thank goodness, they mirrored this back to me so I could look within and be accountable for my own feelings. By doing so I stop trying to control and manipulate their lives so I don’t have to feel not-good-enough. (In fact, it frees me to accept and heal.)
Tables Turned
I shared my self-awareness. I apologized for my behavior. I freed them to make their own decisions.
I took responsibility for how “I” felt.
I am responsible for, and to heal, my self-judgments about being a young mother.
I am responsible for, and to heal, my fears about being a grandmother.
No one else is responsible for me or how I feel!
I recognized now how I was trying to control these unhealed parts by trying to control my daughters.
I was also trying to control them so they wouldn’t be young mother’s too. (As if I know better…ha ha.)
I was displacing/off-loading the responsibility for the fear I felt (I didn’t want to feel my feelings).
Now that I saw the truth in myself, I could have a different conversation with them and my inner child.
I can take responsibility for my part!
Forgiveness of myself now comes easy. And I can ask for forgiveness as well.
There is no judgment, rather understanding, empathy and compassion.
Now all of me wants each of them to decide from their hearts what is best and when it is best for them.
RESISTANCE & THE CHILD WITHIN
We all have our own inner child.
Our inner child can create what I call a “push-pull” dynamic.
On one side it resists a feeling and wants to push it away because it’s uncomfortable. It is often undetectable and requires paying attention. It took me a long time to see my own resistance.
When our inner child has an unwanted emotion, it tries to avoid it – to “push” it away. But the act of avoiding actually creates more of it! But that’s not all.
The “pull” part wants to be felt. But if you’re not paying attention, it will project it onto someone else to be mirrored back.
When your inner child wants your attention and for you to feel what it feels, pay attention. Remember, it is often reflected back to you in relationship. Take the necessary time to be present! Be available and welcoming. Listen deeply. Let your inner child know you feel them (aka see and hear them).
When you do this, you are stepping into the role of your Higher Self.
Your Higher Self knows it is not responsible for how the inner child feels. It knows how to allow and accept how he/she feels and can hold space.
The Higher Self sheds light, shares wisdom and re-parents the inner child. And it will feel loved.
Try it some time. It will amaze you!
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Did my life experience shed any light on your own life experience?
Would you like support is unraveling a family dynamic that eludes or confuses you?
As an emissary of love, allow me to be your guiding light.
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(Actual client names are changed for the purpose of sharing stories.)
