PAIN, THE FIERCE DEFENDER
PAIN, THE GREAT AWAKENER
Have you ever been so deeply hurt, that the mere hint of “that situation” brings you to your knees, causes the water-works to start or has you crawling back into your cave?
Even though you’ve buried it deep, praying “maybe this time”, “maybe this grave site” you’ve desperately created will make the pain go away, only to discover it’s not dead at all. Rather, it’s lurking behind the deeply engraved headstone “Please go away!”
DOES SHE REALLY LOVE ME?
In a recent session, Joshua uncovered an experience he had hoped was dead and gone.
It revealed in an unlikely way as you will see.
Joshua’s wife went away on a weekend business trip, leaving my client to tend to their son. Upon her return, their 4-year-old immediately grabbed her hand and swept mommy away to spend one-on-one quality time alone.
Feeling exclusion wash over him, Joshua felt a familiar pain in his heart.
THE DISTANT PAST REARS IT’S UGLY HEAD
You see, long ago his beloved intentionally dated other men during the tender beginnings of their relationship, as he shared “even though she knew I really liked her”.
This part of their love story has impacted him for years no matter how hard he’s tried to get past it.
A sensitive side of him interpreted her choice as a betrayal, an exclusion of him. This has been such a deep wound it clouds the otherwise bountiful & beautiful relationship that has since developed.
As we dove deeper, a significant truth revealed – Joshua himself gave her the idea!
What?!?
Because he was unclear at that time how to move forward, he suggested she date other men while he figured out what he truly wanted.
Herein lies the prickly truth of his pain.
Herein lies the hurt persona he needs to heal within himself.
Herein lies the real forgiveness that needs to be done.
PAIN, THE FIERCE DEFENDER
Without realizing it, Joshua has overlaid those “other men” onto his relationship with his wife and child.
Without realizing it, Joshua was unable to recognize how his past is reflected in his current predicament.
As we can see, his pain has been fiercely defending and covering up the real issue.
When hurt is so bad, the psyche encapsulates it, driving it deep underground making it hidden especially from the self. Then, when a trigger comes along, the defense team of the ego aggressively protects itself from any hidden enemies (which it believes are ‘out there’) and conveniently forgets it is carrying the pain ‘in here’.
You see, we all have this part, the part that projects the internal hurt onto those ‘out there’.
It’s so painful we don’t want to or can’t hold onto it, so we project it onto someone else to carry for us. The subconscious says, “here, you take this, it’s too painful for me”.
The mind says, “you’re my problem”.
When we do this, we forget or ignore or cannot see our part and then relinquish our power. We might do this with thoughts like “I’m never going to get what I want”, “you always do this to me”, etc.
That’s a hopeless feeling and then the pain becomes the prison of our own making.
The Problem:
Protecting the Pain
The Solution:
Awaken to the Truth
PAIN, THE GREAT AWAKENER
What then does one do?
Ask yourself this question, “What within me is causing my pain?”
Notice, we are not looking outside ourself. Rather, there is an interpretation, a projection, an unforgiven action within that needs to be rooted out and healed (made whole) within. It could be a belief, an emotion or an action.
In the case of Joshua, his freedom lies in forgiving himself for being untrue to himself by offering his beloved a suggestion that didn’t match his true heart. He really didn’t want her to date other men while he figured things out. He truly wanted to ask her to wait for him.
Thus, he betrayed himself. He excluded himself from the equation of love and it hurt him deeply. (It was not her actions that caused his pain but rather his own suggestion.)
In fact, it hurt so much he not only couldn’t see it, he couldn’t forgive himself…until now.
When the pain is so debilitating, we must look at it squarely but only with compassion for ourself. This is the work. This is how we use pain as our great awakener.
Keep in mind, when looking at our deeply, hidden wounds we want to hold the hand of Spirit. It is not for the faint of heart. Why? Because we need to approach these intensely hurt parts with a whole-lotta-love, not self-judgment. This is the only way true healing can begin.
Waking up might feel like this sometimes…
———-
Do you have unprocessed pain?
Have you been ignoring the tender spot(s) within that has been talking to you for years but you’ve been ignoring – hoping, wishing, praying would just friggin’ go the hell away? Does its persistence make you furious, anxious or afraid?
Please wait no longer. Grace is here to guide you. Together we will uncover the pain with gentleness and love to lay to rest the rumblings that erupt once and for all.
(Actual client names are changed for the purpose of sharing stories.)
